TikTok Dances Are Proof That We’ve Officially Got Nothing Better To Do

Alright, listen up, squad.

We need to have a serious talk about TikTok dances. You know, those choreographed flail-a-thons where people wave their arms around like they're fighting off invisible mosquitos, all while looking dead into the camera like it’s their audition for the next Marvel movie. If aliens are watching us right now, they're definitely skipping Earth because they think the whole planet is full of simple lifeforms.

First of all, let’s address the elephant in the room: THESE MOVES AREN’T EVEN DANCES, BRO.

What happened to real dancing?

Even fucking ballet looks better.

Or something like busting out the worm on the sticky floor of a frat basement or risking a sprained ankle by attempting the Dougie? I thought Crank That was stupid, but man we are on a whole other level of basic. These TikTok “routines” are basically just synchronized hand signals. It’s like someone crossed charades with Zumba and forgot to make it fun. And these aren't even good hand signals, you could legit do a viral video making good Naruto signs. But the fuck is wrong with these chicks? Sideways peace sign, hammer fist, weak-ass shoulder brush... come on. They all just copy each other. Legit copy move for move, maybe switch up the order a bit? Gotta put some more creativity in there. How you expecting to go viral and get all those sugar daddy dollars if you put in zero effort. Don't even get me started on the ones that try to look sexy, you could see their low self esteem screaming for validation.

And what’s with the commitment? People spend hours learning these basic 15-second routines. HOURS. I don’t even spend that much time prepping for finals. And for what? To get a couple of likes from some random eighth grader or some creep telling you to hit them up on Viber? If I’m gonna embarrass myself for views, I’m doing it the old-fashioned way: by chugging a gallon of milk and seeing what happens.

TikTok dances have somehow turned into full-on social currency. Like, if you’re not in sync with the latest trends, you’re basically a social pariah. “Oh, you don’t know the ‘Slap, Clap, Twerk, and Shimmy’ dance? Ugh, cringe!” Meanwhile, I’m over here trying to figure out why my buddy Kyle keeps getting banned for shotgunning beers on there. Where’s the real content, TikTok? Disappointing,

And don’t even get me started on the duet, I saw a dude doing a duet with some chick, and he legit just sat there nodding and pointing. He looked like he was trying to hail an Uber. Zero effort. ZERO. And yet, 100,000 likes. Meanwhile, my epic video of me belly flopping off a boat into a kiddie pool? Four likes. Where’s the justice?

I’ll admit, some of these dances are catchy. I caught myself trying one in the mirror once (don’t judge), but halfway through, I realized that I wasn't a idiot and stopped. But here is the truth, nowadays, definitely nowadays, there are many basement dwelling losers who will shower attention and money at any chick. You could do the dumbest shit online, as long as you are a reasonably attractive female. And a real female, not the woke version of a female which is a female but not really kind of female. Which speaks more about the sad state of men in today's world than anything. Just think about it, if you got pussy anytime you wanted, you wouldn't be so insecure that you'd press likes or hearts or whatever the fuck for half-ass lazy dances. If you... bro... had things to do, people to see, and strong beer to drink... we wouldn't be in this predicament. Be better.

At the end of the day, TikTok dances are like kale. Everybody pretends to love it, but deep down, we all know it’s just filler. So here’s my advice: If you’re gonna dance, dance for real. Hit up the club, crank up some bangers, and move like no one’s watching. And if you still feel the urge to record a TikTok dance? Maybe just crack open a cold one instead. The world will thank you.

And remember to always Live, Love, and don't do fucking dumb TikToks.