Comment Section Cry Babies

Cry babies, smart asses, arm-chair experts... Whatever you wanna call them, they're as dumb as you think they are.

Shut up Alice!

Alright, let’s get one thing straight: the comment section used to be where legends were made. Quick wit, savage comebacks, and memes so spicy they made you choke on your energy drink. Now? It’s just a digital daycare for the whiny, the offended, and the terminally bored.

You can’t even watch a funny video of a raccoon stealing someone’s pizza without some paragraph warrior chiming in like, “This is actually really problematic because—” Shut up. It’s a raccoon. It’s comedy. Not everything is a damn TED Talk.

Actually, this is all our faults for letting this go unchecked. You're just chilling, watching someone lift heavy shit... expecting the comment section to be full of sarcastic goodness. But no, you get the fucking life of parties going on about how Jay Cutler's form is "technically" off. Now, if it was other body building champions critiquing him, then sure... Fair. But we got dudes who can barely open a jar of pickles, telling Mr. Olympia he is holding himself back by swinging too much.

Professional Victims Are Always Clocked In

It doesn’t matter what the content is—baby goats in pajamas, dogs doing zoomies, a dude getting whacked in the face by a beach umbrella—there’s always that one keyboard crusader crying about “the implications.”

Bro, what implications? The only implications I'm seeing here is your feelings being hurt.

It’s like these people wake up, slam a lukewarm oat milk latte, and sprint into the comment section like it’s the Hunger Games of outrage. Newsflash! No one gives a fuck. Except for you.

“This Isn’t Funny” – Cool, Nobody Asked

Here’s a common species: The Humorless Wanderer. They roam from post to post like some social media hall monitor, dropping “This isn’t funny” like it's gospel. Bro, how many times do I have to tell you old man. Shut the fuck up. If you don’t like it, scroll on. Nobody’s duct-taping your eyes open and forcing you to watch a dude fall off a trampoline.

These virgins are so hooked to social media, they'll force themselves to watch things they don't like. Like the angry libs who search specifically for Trump videos to get mad like he forced them to watch it using a torture device.

Some of y’all need to remember that having an opinion doesn’t mean you have to share it. Especially when your opinion is dry enough to start a brush fire or my nose after a spirited night out.

Trying to Get Political in the Pizza Review Post

You know what’s worse than pineapple on pizza? Just kidding, I love pineapple on my pizza. But wanna know what's worse than any topping out there? Vegan pizzas. A whole pizza, not just a damn topping. Why don't you just eat a salad? You damn rabbit.

Also as bad is the guy who brings up politics under a pizza review. Like bro, Dave’s just out here ranking greasy slices and you’re over here talking about late-stage capitalism and the prison-industrial complex.

There are legit people who have no one listening to them in real life, so they annoy randoms online. I mean, people could always ignore them but where is the fun in that.

The Comment Therapists

Now we gotta talk about the oversharers. I don’t know when the comment section turned into group therapy, but suddenly every feel-good dog video turns into a “my ex cheated on me while I was in the hospital” novella. Thats cool. Now can you shut the hell up and go outside or something?

Now just as bad or worse are the whiny experts EVERYWHERE. You watch someone building an underground bunker or some shit, and in the comment section you see "Oh! Yikes! Did you even get a permit?" Or maybe the "Wow, I would sure love to be your neighbor with all that construction!"

Hey, how about you shove that yikes right up your unwashed ass and zip the fuck up. No one asked you, and no one cares. We have an epidemic of unprovoked Karens out there for which no shot can cure.