The Truth About Modern Dating: Three Takes

Today we are going to give our totally professional and thought-provoking input on the modern dating scene. I, The Cat Brah, have invited my friends The Chadillac and The Brah-Donna to join me for a short collaboration over some drinks.

Everything is better when you are drunk, bro. With enough people and alcohol, you could solve world hunger. Too bad all the old farts in government are like 80+ and probably can't hang with even the lightest lightweight.

The Cat Brah

I will go first since this is MY website.

Modern dating, bro?

I am too lazy to find a proper picture, so here you go.

It’s a circus. Swipe left, swipe right, and hope the person actually looks like their profile pic. And don’t even get me started on the ‘talking stages.’ What the fuck is even that? Either we’re vibing or we’re not.

I pick you up, I buy you some dinner, we make out, we head home... then have some wild donkey sex.

Done.

Simple.

What more could you expect from a gentleman such as I?

But you know who would thrive in today’s dating world? The Chadillac. Dude’s got LinkedIn energy for days. Probably sliding into DMs with a well-polished cover letter and a “follow up” email.

Let’s be real though, hot chicks have it easy. All you gotta do is show an elbow and you'd have 100 desperate basement dwellers lined up for a chance to white knight that ass to m'lady thou art such a delicate flower. Then pull out their best 50 Shades of Gray impression to satisfy years of built up sexual frustration. For chicks like Brah-Donna... her profile is probably so curated it’d make influencers cry, plus she wouldn't understand the pain us bros go through on the daily.

Perfect lighting only. Right?

By the way, I'm sure Brah-Donna would totally swipe right on me.

The Chadillac

First of all, Cat Brah, it’s not ‘LinkedIn energy’ if it works.

The modern dating game is about strategy—you don’t just ‘vibe’ your way into a meaningful connection.

And speaking of strategy, maybe you’d have better luck if your entire dating approach wasn’t based on, ‘Wanna split tacos?’ and wild donkey sex? (Though I’ll admit, it’s on brand for you.)

Dating today is definitely different thanks to social media, I've seen the wildebeests that demand a man with that infamous triple six. And you know what, good for them. Two can play that game... I think I totally deserve a woman such as Megan Fox, and I'm talking prime Megan Fox. Nothing less.

As for Brah-donna, I’ll give her credit. She’d crush the dating apps, but let’s not pretend her confidence wouldn’t intimidate half the guys out there. You can’t swipe right on ‘unapologetically fabulous’ and expect to keep up with her.

These dwellers of the basements, thank you Cat Brah, would leave mid-date out of sheer horror once they see what a girl like Brah-Donna has in her list of demands.

The Brah-Donna

First of all, no.

And second, gross.

Both Cat Brah and Chadillac are insufferable.

Cat Brah, your idea of a ‘date’ is probably sharing a protein shake and calling it romance. Thanks for the tequila, by the way. I'm definitely going to need it after reading your poetic line on wild donkey sex.

And Chadillac, let’s not act like sending meticulously crafted ‘good morning’ texts qualifies as emotional depth.

Modern dating is exhausting because people are too busy playing games. The apps are just a digital playground for commitment phobes and overthinkers. Don't forget the people who are mentally one step away from falling into a full blown psychotic episode. But let’s be honest, the real tragedy here is that both of you would still blame the algorithm, when it’s your personality that is the issue.