Sidewalk Hogs: The Menace to Society

Alright, bro, let’s talk about one of my personal favorites.

The most annoying species on the planet: people who walk side by side and take up the entire FUCKING sidewalk. These clowns are out here acting like they’re starring in a music video, completely oblivious to the fact that, oh, I don’t know, other people exist.

Like, bro, what’s the deal? Are you so attached to your buddy, your partner, or your entire friend group that you can’t walk in single file for two seconds? Are you incapable of sharing public space like a functioning human being?

Nice sidewalk you got there.

What the hell is this?

This is the best picture of a sidewalk they got around here?

Alright imagine THAT but on a sidewalk that can barely fit these two lovely ladies walking side-by-side. Now imagine you are coming the opposite way, and there are two dudes who won't move. So you have two choices, jump off the sidewalk into car traffic or shoulder charge that mother fucker into traffic.

Why don't you assholes just glue yourselves dink to ass, then call it a nice bromance.

It’s Not Your Personal Runway

First off, the sidewalk is a shared space, not your personal runway. You’re not walking the red carpet at the Met Gala—you’re on concrete, surrounded by trash cans and pigeons.

Calm down.

And don’t even get me started on the ones who walk at a snail’s pace while hogging the whole thing. Bro, if you’re going to stroll like you’ve got nowhere to be, at least make some room for the rest of us who do.

It’s not that hard—move. THE. FUCK. Over.

The Human Wall of Doom

You ever try to pass one of these groups and realize it’s basically impossible?

You’re out here zigzagging like you’re playing Frogger, trying to avoid crashing into Karen and her BFFs. And the worst part? They don’t even notice. They’re too busy gossiping about Becky’s boyfriend or scrolling Instagram to realize they’ve turned the sidewalk into a human obstacle course.

This is a world-wide phenomenon, you could be from the East, West, North, South... guess what? You are ALL fucking stupid.

Couples, You’re the Worst Sidewalk Hogs

Let’s talk about couples for a second.

You two are cute, sure, in a "I just barfed in my mouth, but I'mma be okay, give me a second to recover" kind of way.

But do you really need to walk side by side holding hands like you’re in a Nicholas Sparks movie? Bro, you’re not in a rom-com—you’re on Main Street during rush hour. Save the PDA for a park bench and let the rest of us get where we’re going without having to awkwardly sidestep your disgusting lovefest.

And don’t even try to hit me with that “we’re in love” excuse. Love doesn’t give you a free pass to be highly regarded. Walk in single file like everyone else, bitch.

The Group Walkers: Absolute Chaos

Oh, and let’s not forget the groups. You’ve got five, six, sometimes seven people walking shoulder to shoulder like they’re reenacting the opening credits of “Friends.” Bro, you’re not a sitcom cast—you’re just blocking the path for everyone else.

And if you’re part of one of those groups, let me be the first to tell you: nobody likes you. Not the jogger trying to get through, not the delivery guy on his bike, and definitely not me. Split up, go two by two, or better yet, just stay home.

Problem solved.

The Art of Spatial Awareness (Look It Up)

Here’s a radical idea: learn some spatial awareness. It’s not that hard. If you’re walking side by side and notice someone behind you, step aside.

If the sidewalk is narrow, go single file. If you’re in a group, break it up. These are basic concepts, bro—not rocket science.

And if you can’t figure it out? Maybe you shouldn’t be allowed on sidewalks at all. Stay in your driveway and practice until you get it right.

The American education has seriously failed, or better, all your parents have failed to instill even the most basic of values. Such as, not being a fucking piece of filth in public. But who am I kidding, their old farts are probably just as clueless and most likely do the exact same thing. Then get all confused with a shocked Pikachu face when someone angrily calls them out for their disrespect.

Final Thoughts

Sidewalk hogs are the real villains of modern society. You’re out here ruining everyone’s day with your oblivious, inconsiderate nonsense, and for what? To walk side by side with your bestie for an extra five seconds?

So do us all a favor: move over, share the space, and stop acting like you own the sidewalk. Because if I have to dodge one more human wall, I’m going to start carrying a traffic cone and setting up lanes.