Why Corporate Buzzwords Are Just Fancy Ways to Waste Your Time

Let’s get one thing straight: if you’ve ever uttered the phrase “Let’s circle back” without a trace of irony, you’re part of the problem. I've got one better, telling everyone to do a 360, in a futile effort to inspire everyone around you to reach nirvana. Yeah, maybe after they are done laughing at you.

Corporate buzzwords aren’t just annoying—they’re linguistic garbage designed to make simple concepts sound unnecessarily complex so people like you can pretend you’re doing something important... you're not. Managers are the worse offenders since that is pretty much their whole existence in a large company. A manager's main purpose is show they are doing SOMETHING, kiss ass... and to always say yes. Fail at either of these and their head is on a chopping block.

I can already hear the HR team firing up their LinkedIn accounts to draft posts about “how synergy creates actionable value in today’s dynamic environment.” Stop. Just stop. Nobody knows what you’re saying, and if they do, they probably hate you for saying it. Saying something that sounds like something... but means nothing, that is nothing short of inspiring. What are you even saying? If we work together, you can do something special in this constantly changing environment. No shit Sherlock.

“Circle Back” – The Ultimate Cop-Out

Let’s start with “circle back,” the unofficial anthem of people who have no intention of addressing a problem. It’s corporate speak for, “I don’t feel like dealing with this right now, but I want to sound professional while I procrastinate.”

Newsflash: if you’re always circling back, you’re not solving anything—you’re just running laps around your own incompetence.

Here’s an idea: instead of “circling back,” why not “address the issue and move on with your life”?

Revolutionary, I know. But it requires actually doing work.

“Low-Hanging Fruit” – You’re Just Lazy

Ah, yes, the low-hanging fruit. Because why tackle meaningful challenges when you can spend your time picking the easiest targets and pretending it’s a strategy? Using this phrase is the corporate equivalent of patting yourself on the back for successfully ordering coffee without spilling it.

Want to impress me? Go for the high-hanging fruit—the stuff that actually requires effort. Otherwise, congratulations, you’re just the guy who shows up to group projects and takes credit for stapling the handouts. Or in the case of my company, people are so incompetent they can't handle the low-hanging fruit either... so not only are they lazy but shockingly dumb.

“Let’s Take This Offline” – AKA “Shut Up”

This one’s my favorite. “Let’s take this offline” is the boardroom-friendly way of saying, “I don’t want to deal with your nonsense in front of an audience.” It’s the professional equivalent of “We’ll talk about this later,” except you never do. It’s a classic move for people who are too spineless to confront a problem head-on or have no answers.

If you’re going to shut someone down, at least have the guts to do it without hiding behind vague scheduling promises. Bonus points if you throw in some harsh sarcasm while you’re at it.

“Think Outside the Box” – You Never Had a Box

If you’re telling people to “think outside the box,” chances are you’ve never had an original idea in your life. This phrase is the calling card of people who think “innovation” means renaming the office break room the “Collaboration Zone.” Stop pretending you’re a roadblock remover or an innovative thinker just because you put some bean bags in the conference room. You’re not Elon Musk; you’re just Gary from Marketing.

People unnecessarily put networking into that bucket too, like going out and bullshitting with people is so remarkable, it is important but it isn't a silver bullet. If you have nothing of value to offer, you could network all day everyday and still go nowhere.

You know who doesn’t belong at networking events? People like The Cat Brah. The dude once called his bicep curls 'networking with himself.' Classic.

“Touch Base” – Are We Playing Baseball or What?

“Touch base” is just code for, “Let’s have a pointless conversation where we pretend to accomplish something while actually wasting both of our time.” Why not just say, “Let’s talk”? Oh, right, because then it would be obvious how little you’re actually contributing.

That can also be code for "I have no idea what is going on" and the person is looking to be spoon fed all information leading up to this pivotal moment.

Pro tip: if your goal is to sound important, try actually being important instead. It works wonders.

Final Thoughts

Look, I get it. Buzzwords make you feel like you’re part of the club. But here’s the truth: nobody respects the guy who says “synergy” unironically. If you want to impress people, try being clear, direct, and—dare I say—competent.

You might be thinking after reading all this that I am just another overpaid asshole, and you know what, you are ABSOLUTELY right.

Because at the end of the day, all the “actionable value” in the world won’t save you from looking like an idiot if you can’t back it up with actual results.

So the next time you’re tempted to “leverage your core competencies to create scalable solutions,” do everyone a favor: don’t. Just say what you mean and get back to work. The rest of us are tired of decoding your nonsense.

You’re welcome, The Chadillac.