Malls: Where Brain Cells Go to Die

Alright, babes, let’s talk about malls.

Ah, the shopping mall.

You know, those giant, fluorescent-lit wastelands where logic, self-respect, and brain cells go to die. I don’t know what it is about stepping into a mall that makes people lose all common sense, but it’s like the second you walk through those sliding glass doors, your IQ drops by 20 points. Hell, even just turning into the property is like entering a magical force field of stupidity.

Don’t get me wrong—I love shopping. But malls? Malls are where humanity’s worst instincts come to life. Let me break down why these consumerist black holes are breeding grounds for dumb.

The Food Court Frenzy

Let’s start with the food court, because apparently, this is where people decide calories don’t count, lines don’t matter, and basic manners are optional. Oh, you’re cutting in front of me to grab your third sample of orange chicken?

Bold move, babe.

And let’s not forget the sheer chaos of it all.

Why is it that every food court feels like a scene from The Hunger Games? People are out here fighting for seats like it’s a life-or-death situation, spilling soda everywhere, and shoving greasy fries into their mouths like they’ve never seen food before. Throw in parents unleashing their little monsters like a pack of wild hyenas; screeching, yelling, screaming, throwing food... throwing UP. And you've got a recipe for a great time at the mall.

Why do I love the mall again?

The Herd Mentality

Malls turn people into literal sheep. Oh, there’s a sale at Forever 21? Guess it’s time to stampede through the store like a pack of wildebeests.

Never mind that the “sale” is just 10% off the ugliest clothes you’ve ever seen—people will still act like they’ve struck gold.

And the worst part? Everyone’s walking at the same slow, aimless pace, blocking the walkways like a human traffic jam. It’s like they’ve forgotten how to use their legs. Oh the fun I would have bulldozing all these folks right into a dumpster!

Move with purpose, people. This isn’t a Sunday stroll—it’s a public space.

The Mall and Overpriced Garbage

Malls are packed with shops selling overpriced garbage that nobody actually needs. A $50 candle? Really, babe? It’s a nice chunk of wax with a wick inside. A $200 hoodie with a logo slapped on it? Congrats, you’re paying for the privilege of being a walking billboard.

And guess what? I will take two of the hoodies, please and thank you!

Let’s not forget the kiosks. Oh, you’re trying to sell me a phone case and some “revolutionary” face cream made from Himalayan unicorn tears? Hard pass. And no, I am not stopping again no matter how many times you yell "Miss, wait blah... blah blah."

The desperation is real, and honestly, it’s embarrassing for everyone involved.

The Window Shopping Olympics

Here’s the thing: malls are designed to trap you in a loop of pointless consumerism. You came for one thing—a pair of jeans, maybe—and now you’re three hours deep into a “browsing session” with zero to show for it except a Starbucks cup and a headache.

And don’t even get me started on window shoppers. Babe, if you’re not buying anything, what are you even doing here? Just staring at mannequins and wasting everyone’s time? Either commit to a purchase or stay home and scroll through online deals like everyone else.

The Parking Lot Circus

And finally, we have the parking lot—the ultimate test of patience and sanity. Why is it that people lose all driving ability the second they enter a mall parking lot?

It’s like a demolition derby out there, with people cutting each other off, stealing spots, and honking like their lives depend on it. Literally. Malls are like a magnet for the dumbest people within a 20 mile radius, and I cannot figure out why.

I dream of the day I can drive to my favorite mall... without screaming at a single idiot, walk inside without someone trying to run me over, then peacefully shop without any of the annoyances which plague us all. Then, after a long fruitful bounty, I can walk to my car without getting robbed. Don't you just love Seattle!?

And let’s not forget the “parking lot wanderers”—the people who can’t remember where they parked and are now aimlessly wandering around with their arms full of shopping bags. Walking in front of the cars, behind the cars, alongside the cars... bro, it’s not that hard. Just use your key fob, and let’s move it along. I swear, some of these people just end up lost forever. Like a sort of mall Bermuda Triangle, they simply disappear, never to be seen or heard from again.

Final Thoughts

Malls are like the vacuum of intelligence: once you enter, all logic is sucked out forcefully. People lose their minds over sales, act like savages in the food court, and turn into zombies wandering aimlessly from store to store.

It’s a mess, and honestly, it’s embarrassing for humanity.